Home / Dr. S / Embracing Change: Working Together to end the Cycle of Violence

Embracing Change: Working Together to end the Cycle of Violence

Yesterday I participated as a volunteer for an organization devoted to helping people with family violence. They were doing a fundraiser to raise funds for the free counseling services the organization provides. It is a great organization but I have to admit I was a little disturbed (maybe triggered is a better word), not because of the organization or what it was doing, and not even so much because of the fundraiser itself, but because of what I read into the  pamphlet I saw on the tables. This pamphlet was advertising an “ALL WOMEN” campaign to end family violence” and what I  read into this was an example of making invisible the reality of social violence.

Now ending family violence is a laudable goal, I won’t argue with that. Who doesn’t want to end family violence? But I have to admit, things like that, things that say “all women” or “only women” or, for that matter, “only men” or “you can’t come because you’ve got a penis or vagina” or “there’s something wrong because you belong to “that” group of people’ always make me a bit nervous…

Oh, who am I kidding, things like that make me really nervous ’cause typically when you see that sort of exclusion you’re not getting whole picture. Typically, when you start pointing the finger at specific demographic categories you’re expressing some kind of blind spot or bias. If I point to Jewish people and say they are all “like this” or they are all “like that,” I’m being a bigoted racist. But the same doesn’t apply to gender, does it? We regularly point the finger at one gender or another and say “oh they are like this” or “they are like that.”

So what does gender bigotry have to do with this all women campaign?

[ad#article]Well when I read the pamphlet I asked myself the question, where are the men in this campaign to stop violence? Don’t they count? Aren’t they concerned? Why aren’t they included? The answer to that is easy and it pops to mind without any thought or effort at all. Men are the perpetrators of family violence, aren’t they? Men are the ones who act violently, who take up the knives, who shoot the guns and blow up the houses. Men are the perps. and women and children are the victims. It is not overly stated in the pamphlet, but it is certainly the common perception. Ask anybody and they’ll tell you, men are the problem and women and children are the victims.

But is that true?

Must “all women” stand against the violence perpetrated by “all men.”

Personally, I don’t think so and I can start with examples from my own life because as a child and teenager I was a victim of family violence, but not in the way you might expect. In fact, although I’ve experienced profound emotional and psychological abuse, not to mention serious, physical abuse, it has never been at the hands of the male of the species, but at the hands of the female species. To be perfectly blunt, from the time I was born it has been the females in my life that have abused me in ways that I still struggle to deal with.

Let me explain

When I was two my dad flocked off and left my mom to fend for herself with two small children. For the next ten or so years my mom, who I know loved me, nevertheless subjected my brother and I to emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. This women beat me and my brother with belts, spoons, and other household implements to the point where the implements broke and we were battered and bruised. The physical abuse was bad, as bad as any “daddy figure” could have subjected us to, but as bad as it was it was the emotional and psychological abuse that hurt the most. She used to force me and my brother into corners for long periods of time, cut us off from love for extended periods, make us feel small and unloved, and generally engage in textbook examples of emotional and psychological abuse. She even left us once or twice screaming and crying as she abandoned us to our own devices, all the while saying she was going to jump off the downtown bridge and kill herself! Can you imagine the emotional and psychological scarring that comes to the eight year old child listening to their mother threaten to leave them alone, desperate for the love, attention, and care that parents are supposed to provide. I won’t go into the details of the psychological and emotional impact of this long term and systemic abuse we experienced, but I don’t think you have to have a very developed imagination, or a graduate degree in psychology, to know this abuse affected us in a profoundly negative fashion.

And you know, for all the talk of women victims of male violence, it wasn’t just my mother who abused me. I remember my first girl friend, a female by the name of Bonnie, who once danced gaily around me all the while she was smacking me repeatedly in the face, laughing, and telling me I’d never understand why she was doing that. I have to admit, I didn’t understand why someone you had been dating for almost a year would treat you with such callous and mean spirited disregarded. All I could do was stand there in shock. And for those who think that men are innately violent let me point out that I didn’t strike back. All I did was stand there and take it. In retrospect I think it was that experience that solidified this basic truth for me that that on this world, the people most likely to hurt and abuse you are the people you let get close to you.

And that’s only two examples. Let me also mention in passing the catholic nun I had in grade one, the female English teacher, or my cousin who babysat us and thought it was funny to terrorize small children with stories of monsters under our beds, or any of the number of violent and abusive females in my life over the years.

Do you get the point?

If I had to answer a survey, based on my experience, on the gender that I felt was the most violent and mean, it would hands down be females. Men don’t even register on the scale, in my experience.

And I know it is not just me that has experienced the violence of women. My wife and I have been doing couples counseling now and we see regular examples of violent women who manage to skirt below the radar because of the “in play” gender stereotypes. That is, women can be the primary abusers but men can be the targets of “therapy” because the therapists themselves cannot see beyond their gender scripting. They act according to their social scripts, blame the husband, and proceed with counseling on those grounds. It is a huge failure on the part of the psychological establishment because as a result of their failure to see the reality of the situation, children who are victims of female abuse never get  the help they need. And what’s particularly troublesome about this is that if the husband in a relationship ever “snaps” and slaps his wife, he would be the one arrested, charged, and put in jail. In other words, he would become a statistic and he would become “proof” of the violent male and consequently the reality of female violence would be submerged, hidden, and forgotten.

Perhaps you can see why I get so annoyed by the “all women” campaign.

Really?

All women want to stop family violence?

All women are victims?

All women need to stand together?

My question is simple? Why can’t the women who want to end family violence stand with the men who want to end family violence and work outside of socially scripted, and largely irrelevant, gender roles?

Why do they have to stand alone?

Why do they have to perpetrate the illusion that it’s only men that abuse?

Well, there are lots of reasons for that I think. One, the media panders to this illusion. They highlight examples of female abuse in the news, produce cop shop after cop show presenting us with a “reality” of male violence, or simply ignore the examples of female violence occurring all around them.

Two, men and women are socialized to use different types of violence, one visible and one invisible. Men are encouraged to use their fists, knives, and guns. Boys are given action figures and they learn to go around beating and blowing up anybody defined as “the bad guy.” Girls, on the other hand, are given dolls and Care Bears. If a girl picks up an action figure it will be taken away from her. As a result, girls and boys learn a different form of violence. Consequently, the violence men perpetrate is more visible. If you hit a child the bruise is obvious. But if you call it names and make it feel small or hurt its feelings, no visible scars are left.

And let me be clear that female violence, for all its invisibility, is no less hurtful or damaging than the male counterpart. As the vice principle at my daughter’s school recently told me (and as any elementary or middle school teacher will confirm) girls, after they have absorbed the hierarchical ranking behaviors that are taught by our schools, are far more cruel and vicious than boys are. Boys, says the principle, beat each other up in the school yard and then it is over, but girls go on constant, subtle, often coordinated, and deeply vicious attacks

Boys use their fists; girls use their emotions and their words.

It is just a different type of violence.

As a society we simply haven’t learned to register the type of violence and abuse that females engage in, but it is still profound and damaging. As one little boy who had a really violent childhood experience can attest (i.e. me), I’d have rather been beaten by a male than subjected to the ongoing emotional horror of the females in my life. At least with the beating, the pain goes away. At least if I had been beaten by a male, some social worker or psychologist or teacher may have noticed it, and I and my brother may have gotten the help we needed instead of, like the children of our St. Albert family, having to bare the abuse in silent obscurity for the decades of primary socialization we all go through.

Of course, there are other reasons for the invisibility of female violence besides the media’s ignorance or the quality of violence. A third reason is that we, and by “we” I mean those who experience that violence, often hide it out of fear of being further abused. As a younger male I could never tell anybody about what my girlfriend did to me because if I had I would have been laughed at. I know what the reaction of my friends would have been. They would have told me to slap her back and then they would have laughed at me and thought me less of a man because I got beat by a woman. And God forbid I went to the police station to report the assault. I’m not sure that my young and fragile male ego could have handled the total ridicule I would have experienced and so I, like so many others, remained silent about it.

Fourth, we aren’t aware of the violence that females perpetrate because “we” I mean everybody, minimize what females do. If you hit someone it’s obviously violent, but if you exclude someone from your social clique because you don’t like their looks and personality, or because they come from the wrong “demographic,” or because they aren’t “perky,” if you call them names or make them feel like shit inside, if you point your finger and laugh, that’s not violence. It’s the boys fighting in the yard that are violent. The girls engaged in psychological and emotional abuse simply aren’t on the radar.

Finally, we also have serious gender biases to contend with in this regard., especially around the emotions and sensitivity of males. Boys are supposed to be tough, right? Boys aren’t supposed to have emotions. Boys aren’t supposed to feel. Boys aren’t supposed to cry. Boys aren’t supposed to show weakness. Boys are supposed to “soldier up” and tough it out. In short, boys are supposed to castrate themselves emotionally and if they don’t, then they are feeble, gay, pussies. So if a boy is being beaten by a woman, or if a boy is crying because his mother hurt him, then it is the boy’s problem because he’s weak. If he would just toughen up and act like a man, everything would be ok. Frankly that’s a primitive load of gender based bullshit. What you end up with when you raise your boys like this is a society of emotionally castrated men who can’t connect with anybody, who can’t empathize with other living beings, and who are far more likely to engage in violent acts than they would have been if their natural childhood sensitivity had not been socialized out of them. And just in case you are not making the connection here, let me make it for you. Women are just as responsible for the violence that men perpetrate as the men are. When you hand your child the violent action figures, when you give them the toy weapons, when you belittle them for having emotions, when you tell them that boys don’t cry, when you invalidate their emotions and tell them to toughen up, when you cut off their loving and expressive nature, when you scream, yell, and beat, you are creating the next generation of violent males.

Think about it!

Females are the primary caregivers, after all.

Take a look at the homes and the daycares and the schools.

Females are the ones who care and socialize the children in the first decade or so of life. So unless we want to chalk it all up to genetics (i.e. men are naturally more violent), an argument that only flies in sociologically naive circles, women (not to mention teachers, schools, the media, our paramilitary and military organizations) are going to have to step up and take at least some responsibility for the violence we all experience.

Now I could go on and talk about a biased statistical and criminal system, how emotionally castrated men are created to feed the requirements of The System, and so on, but I won’t because I think I’ve made my point. What I will say at this point is that if you’re really interested in stopping violence in the family, then stop perpetrating it. Take a look at how you treat people in your life, the boys, the girls, the children, and your spouse. Take a look at what you teach them and how you expect them to behave and quit pretending you’re not part of the problem. We’re all part of the problem and until we take our gender blinders off, until we stop organizing ourselves into groups, until we stop excluding each other from our clicky cliques, until we stop playing gender games, until we learn to stand together and face the problems we have created, we won’t be making any progress towards our goal of stopping the violence in our society. Instead we’ll just be perpetuating the myths and illusions, hiding the truth, and absolving ourselves of our responsibility .

p.s. Towards the goal of ending family violence I would like to invite males and females to share their accounts of the female violence they have experienced. Write it up and submit it to this journal where we will publish it. We won’t use your name (unless you want us to), and we may include your account in a future book on female violence. Help us end family violence by sharing with us the reality of your experience.

About Dr. Michael S. (Dr. S)

Michael S. (Dr. S.) is a scientist, sociologist, author, mystic, and mystical poet whose interests are human psychology, human society, spirituality, consciousness, global pedagogy, and global transformation. He's busy writing about a dozen books all of which are aimed at enlightening the people and transforming the planet in line with the purpose, and for the benefit of, All.

21 comments

  1. Comment submitted via email


    I have watched women pick on others (pick on women AND men). And continue-grown women who call themselves ‘organized’ in being sneaky and not getting caught-because they know that they can get away with it. Cell phones, email, facebook. And now their actions are being seen by younger children/young adults who are beginning to act in the same way. I have heard of women making up stories of being the victim of abuse by their boyfriends or husbands and KNOWING that its the female that is the Perp. You are right Michael, WE always blame the guys.

    Heck growing up I was a bully. I grew up in an environment of the big ones beat on the small ones and thats how life is. It wasn’t until I quit drinking in my mid twenties that I realized the damage that I had done to so many others, girls, boys, men and women up to that point in my life. Actually, I discovered in early sobriety that most of the ideals I was taught growing up through family behaviors and social behaviors were all so very wrong.

    I too would rather be beat up physically and get it over with than take the eternal on-going silent abuse women use on each other.

  2. Excellent write up. My general thought on it is that, perhaps not trying to perpetrate gender roles, well intentioned female organizers are trying to create a safe space for those probably most motivated to speak out about family violence. The danger being the implicit accusatory finger pointed at all other men and effectively self-segregating the important issue of familial violence into a women’s domain, which merely escacerbates the problem.

  3. Its been my experience that there is often allot of hatred and anger in these “safe places.” Not that this isn’t justified, but that anger is always gender directed and I personally don’t see that as particularly useful. It is neither “men” nor “women” that are the problem, but the social order and our socialization process. We live in a remarkably violent society that normalizes abuse. It’s a little better in the sense that physical bullying is no longer tolerated in schools (I hope this is nation wide), but when it comes to emotional or psychological abuses, that’s still endemic. And the problem is the way we teach our kids. The school system itself is psychologically and emotionally violent. I have small children and they are hurt by the teachers who grade them and rank them. Just yesterday my son came home complaining that his teacher gives out yellow stars to people who “need work” and red stars to people who aren’t doing good. I explained to him that the teacher was using a public shaming ritual in an attempt to control his behavior. By assigning him a yellow star she is identifying him to all the other members of the class as someone who “needs work” in some area. You can justify that all you want but the emotional reality is that it made him feel bad. The psychological reality is that he has now learned that it is OK to point the finger at others in order to single them out as “not right” in some fashion. Shaming others is what you do in this world.

    I was stunned once when the vice principle at my kids school expressed consternation at how violent the children can be. I told him it was his fault. The schools teach the kids how to be psychologically and emotionally violent. The irony is when the kids start implementing what they have been taught in their own social order, typically in middle school, the teachers look down on them as if they are little animals and wonder why they are like that. They wash their hands of the little beasts they’ve created. It’s terrible.

    Anyway, well intentioned or no, the standard approach to dealing with this is ineffective and only hides the true source of our violent society. Gender isn’t the issue, primary socialization is I think.

  4. This is an interesting post. As someone who has researched “family violence” I appreciate the attempt at clarifying the “ALL” in the distributed pamphlet that led to this post.

    Yet, it is over simplified in taking the position that all men do not commit all family violence.

    OF COURSE THEY DON’T. The argument is similar to the one made about Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), that women also batter their male partners. YES THEY DO, but more than 90% of the batterers are men.

    Since no data are provided in the post could it be that upwards of 90% of the perpetrators of family violence are men?

    Thanks for the post.

    ES

    • No I do not believe that your 90% figure is accurate at all. As I tried to make clear from my own personal and professional experience, the violence perpetrated by women is often 1) not seen as violent and therefore not included in our considerations and 2) an underrepresentation of the real amount of violence perpetrated by women. Men simply are afraid or ashamed to report violence and when they do, they are often ridiculed and ostracized because “as men” they should be tough enough to “do something” about it. The point of the article was to highlight an ideological and statistical blind spot in our sociological thinking about this, not to perpetrate that blind spot by pointing to statistics that merely reflect that blindspot (although a quick search didn’t lead me to any current statistics that had men battering at 90% as you suggest.

      Here is an AWESOME blog highlighting some of the female violence that’s out there.

      http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2010/09/04/bulletin-board-v91/

      And this post in particular…

      http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2010/02/27/woman-rapes-boy-almost-200-times/

      …highlights just how absurd the bias. Here is a classic pedophile only because she’s female, she isn’t charged as such. Almost 200 incidents of RAPE and not one will enter into the official statistics.

      Also this wikipedia article highlights some of the statistical complexity

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_domestic_violence

      Personally I don’t think we know what the distribution of violence is in the home at this point. Statistics are meaningless because of the profound gender bias and gender blind spot. Although having said this, it is likely that men batter more than women because men use different and more physical forms of violence, right? The weapon of choice for women is verbal and emotional which is far less likely to be record as “violent” in the “data” you point to. But then again, I have several dozen assaults on my person by women under my belt and they’ll never be included in “data.”

  5. A very high percentage of the persons arrested and convicted of DV are men, but this is very misleading. Because violence committed by women is overlooked, minimized, and ignored, public policy and police training dictate that men are the ones to be arrested in the vast majority of cases, even when the woman initiated the violence and when the man is the one with the injuries. Primary aggressor laws jdefine the primary aggressor as the one who bigger, stronger, and more likely to inflict injury IF he becomes violent. This typically means the man is the one arrested. Men therefore frequenlty don’t call police or report when they are victimized.

    A study conducted for the CDC by Daniel Whittaker et al in 2007 found that approximately half of domestic violence was reciprocal (both partners were abusive) and that women committed twice as much of the non-reciprocal violence (only one partner abusive). Capaldi found that the biggest predictor of injury to women from DV was initiation of the violence by the woman. Other statistics show that about 20% – 40% of all those needing medical attention due to DV are men. These studies and many others indicate that clearly, women commit acts of physical violence against their intimate partners as often as do men. Outside of intimate relationships men commit more physical violence than do women, but within relationships it is about equal, though women are injured more frequently.

    Walter

  6. It is an important dialogue going on here and a thought provoking article.

    DV tis what we have to address. I got upset about “ALL Women” – my first thought was “WOMEN ABUSERS – what about them”. I am for ending family violence.

    I was emotionally and psychologically abused and alienated as child by a woman. Not physically, but yes sometimes I felt it would be better if she beats me up. I was scared to be at the presence of the abuser. I found my way and survived a lot better until I got another dose of similar abuse form a man in 2005 until 2008, it was emotional and psychological. Gosh! Life is tough but it does not have to be “violent tough’ life.

    I can still hear in my mind “that” teacher calling me “Amei, you are a disgrace to your family” it is more than 20 years. I come from a culture where victims suffer in silence and there are limited resources to get help from.

    I am seeking psychological help to get me through and live a life without fear. I am thankful that I survived. We have to work toward ending family violence. I hope there will be a time when children, youth, adults and elderly do not have to suffer at “home”.

    Amei 🙂

  7. I am the person who developed the All Women campaign and you have misinterpeted the intent of this fundraiser. Yes, the statistics about 90% of family violence being committed by men is scewed and wrong, I have seen this daily in my years of working in this field. When it comes to philanthropy and donations from individuals however, it is a solid fact that 90% of the donations to charities are decided by the women of that household. This campagin is a specifically targeted appeal to All the Women in our community to take a stand against family violence and donate to our counselling programs. It does not state that All women are abused, or that All men are abusers. Where are the men in our work? We also have a specifically targeted appeal to men through the White Ribbon campaign. There have been 3 men working for 5 years now in our community handing out white ribbons, speaking to sporting and community groups about family violence and how they can make a difference. We have funded male youth to attend conferences on Strength training, Coaching boys into men, and working and learning from the Men can Stop Rape group of men also working to end violence. We work with over 5,000 youth per year in our community doing education sessions on relational aggression, dating violence, and gender roles. We provide individual counselling to women, men, victims, and abusers. With the increase in awareness around Elder Abuse we now know that men are the primary victims in this type of family violence with the statistics rising to 67% of elder abuse being committed against men. We are the lead agency on the Elder Abuse protocol in our community and fund emergency accomodations, transportation, safety planning and counselling for these seniors. We have no gender bias in our organization when it comes to our work, however, when we need to fundraise $11,000 per month to fund our free counselling programs to ALL people experiencing family violence, then we need to become more direct and targeted.
    The All women campaign has helped us to fund the $500,000 per year in services we provide to anyone experiencing family violence. It is a small piece of a much larger fund development plan, not a statement about our work, who we serve, and how we do it.

  8. In many other contexts it might be acceptable to target a specific demographic group in order to solicit funds. However, domestic violence has been wrongly considered to be a gendered matter. there is very little recognition of anyone in the industry that men can be victims and women can be perpetrators. This has resulted in many hurtful and negative stereotypes and a considerable amount of injustice. By excluding men, the All Women campaign simply perpetuates this stereotype and the erroneous view that only men commit DV and only women are victims regardless of your intent. It implies that DV is only committed agaisnt women and women must be organized to stop it.

    You speak of involving men in your campaigns, however the one group you cite, Men Can Stop Rape is another group that perpetuates the myth that DV is violence against women and is committed only by men. You claim to provide services to all those who need them, but I wonder how much of your budget goes to helping male victims and promoting services for male victims compared with those for female victims? A recent report in the UK shows that 40% of victims are male. My guess is that you don’t spend anywhere near that percentage of your budget helping male victims.

    You need to do more than involve men in your fund raising efforts. You need to provide service to male victims, female perpetrators, and you need to promote those services to create an awareness in the community that those services exist. As long as you continue to stress gender in your organization, you are doing nothing to dispell the myth and misinformation. You are doing more harm than good.

    Walter

    • Hi Doreen, thanks very much for your response!

      I don’t think I said anything about the intent of the fundraiser. And if I did I didn’t mean to. I know that the intent is positive and that the organization is doing awesome work. If the intent of the fundraiser is to raise money, then it’s successful. But maybe there’s an unintended consequence of this approach which is that it contributes to gender balkanization. My question, perhaps unfairly more of a statement, is does this sort of thing contribute to the problem? Beyond the fact that it is a successful fundraiser, does this “all women” campaign encourage people to think this is simply a women’s issue? Does this contribute to the “disappearance” of female violence in our society and if so, is this a part of the problem we are all trying to solve.

      I think it is a fair question. One of the struggles that all victims face is getting people to listen. This is certainly true of sexual abuse. How many years did victims of “church based” pedophilia have to cry before people finally started to take them seriously. How many years did women cry before society started to see battering and other forms of abuse as a problem? A long time and a lot of hard and painful struggle because we all tend to accept to accept and justify the violence we see around us. Even the bible justifies violence. “Spare the Rod” or “be a good boy or you’ll burn in hell.” Hard to think of a more emotionally and psychologically abusive thing to say to someone than that. Do what I tell you or I’ll throw you into a pit of fire and make you endure the suffering for all eternity?? If God would do that then smacking your child, calling people names, or beating them in a schoolyard (because boys are boys) hardly seems like a crime at all.

      Anyway, my point is that it is an uphill battle to get people to see the truth about these things and we need to do what we can to end the silence and start a dialogue. “Stand together” as I say in the article. Part of doing “what we can” is questioning our approaches and looking at our actions and seeing how we can do better. I’m an academic, and a sociologist, and one of the things that we (i.e. academics and sociologists in particular) do really poorly is communicate. In fact, Sociologists tend to be the worst writers in the world, yet we have some of the most fascinating and socially relevant research (IMHO :-)). But nobody listens to us! If we want people to benefit from our work, we need to learn to communicate with the world in a way that people listen. That’s what I’m trying to do here; learning to communicate as a sociologist and a victim of our society, in a way were people will listen. I’ll admit I’m not that good at it, and I often just end up making people angry, but I am trying.

      It’s the same here, if we want to end family violence, if we don’t want to just put a patch on it, we need to work together. Like you say, we need to raise money, we need to educate, we need to inform, we need to do all the things your organization does, but we also have to take on the “structural” issues and I think this tendency that our society has to make female violence invisible is one of the first things we have to change. I agree with you, it’s not about gender. The truth is we live in violent society that justifies, condones, and encourages us to be violent towards each other in many ways. And one of the ways it does that is to make the violence invisible. For a long time bullying in the school yards was tolerated because “boys will be boys.” When we say that, we make the violence of it invisible. The message is clear, it is not violence, it is natural. But people pushed to change that and make us all see it for what it was, violence. Now we see a concerted effort to stop this in schools. Bullying and hazing and all that other stuff is not tolerated in our community. It’s the same thing here. We need to see female violence for what it is, and not make it invisible by (for example) calling it something else.

      http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2010/02/27/woman-rapes-boy-almost-200-times/

      We need to teach people to stand together and encourage people to speak out.

      But I hear what you are saying and I admit, I’m being unfair to you. Maybe I’m just using this pamphlet to vent my own victimization, as a way to speak out against the invisibility of female violence of the balkanization of gender and so please accept my apology. I can tell you however that men are very afraid to talk about this and share and work towards a solution because we feel nobody listens or (more accurately) that we’ve already been prejudged. And why do we feel that we are prejudged? I think it is because “society” (not your organization, but society in general) stills views this as a gender issue, with all men in one corner carrying the big wooden sticks, and all women in the other corner just trying to survive the abuse. How does a man come out of his corner when everybody around him is looking at him like he’s the monster.

      http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2010/09/06/new-report-reveals-more-than-40-of-domestic-violence-victims-are-male/

      http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2006/05/01/oprah-female-teachers-young-boys-secret-sex-at-school-part-2/

      I think that just like changing people’s perceptions about pedophilia and child abuse is a first step towards making changes, changing people’s ideas about violence in society is the first step to addressing family violence. We need to see it for what it is no matter what gender is perpetrating it. Ultimately I guess that is what we are really speaking out against. It is not your fund raiser per se, and definitely not your organization, it is gender socialization and gender balkanization.

      I have a question about the 90% figure you give. That doesn’t seem right, especially in a patriarchal world where men are known to control the financial flow. How does women’s general lack of financial power translate to such a high estimate of control in this instance? What am I failing to see here? And if this is true (i.e. 90%) figure, then why don’t we see the “all women” home lottery or the “all women” telethon for MS. If it is successful, why don’t fundraisers use this strategy more often? Or maybe they do and I’m just not aware of it. Honestly before your post here I never thought of what might be involved in a successful fundraising campaign.

  9. The 90% figure is from individual donations only, not gaming or corporate. Those are still mostly men. Philanthropic donations giving freely with no string attached. I have been a professional fundraiser for over 8 years and I have seen first hand these differences in philanthropy. There are numerous campaigns out there specifically for women and they are very successful. Grandmothers for Grandmothers supporting AIDS orphans in Africa, Plan Canada having a sponsor a young girl, Cup of Tea program for the Alberta Council of Women’s Shelter, and the enormously successful Women for Women campaign that is an international campaign for women to sponsor another woman in a foreign country such as Afghanistan, Bosnia, India, etc. These are just a few of many. It is a common strategy and is used successfully by many organizations. For individual donations.
    But I certainly don’t want to make this a ducsucssion about fund development, that is a whole other category. And you are right, economic realities prevail and organizations need to have several revenue streams to be able to provide the programs needed in the community. The All Women campaign is one of many that we use to achieve our revenue goals.

    As I stated before I agree with your comments and have noticed a few more men coming into our organization for help, I have also seen more women coming in as the perpetrator and being mandated through court, or referred by school counsellors, and children services. We know it is not the reality of what is really happening, but we provide support wherever needed. In response to Walter, our funding is for the counselling program in general, men, women makes no difference. If more men choose to come in, then by all means we will provide support. We are not so crass as to set aside specific amounts based on gender. We work very, very hard in our community dispelling myths around gender roles, teaching, and supporting. The men who do come to us are welcomed, feel comfortable, and get the support they require.

    We are trying to make change as well, and I would support any endeavours to work collaboartively with men to make a difference, and promote and encourage more men to come forward with their stories. You have already volunteered with our organization, and you know about us, and perhaps I could challenge you to work with us in this endeavour. We would welcome your passion, views, and vision regarding this topic. We can help you find other men who might speak out, or who are looking for support and information. This dialogue is important, and necessary, and I applaud all the men who have come forward on this blog already.
    And for the record, my husband and I have both been victims of female violence in our past, in my household you have supporters.

    • I’d be interested in the ratio between individual donations, which you are saying are mostly female, and corporate donations. I also tend to agree with Walter, on principle its probably not appropriate to have a campaign like this in an organization trying to be open to men. Imagine a male who has experienced a couple of decades of abuse. He’s tried to get help before but most of the time he’s either laughed off and ridiculed by police, professionals, etc. Men, after all, aren’t the victims. Now he comes for help once again and sees the “all women” campaign. Regardless of the intent, all he’s probably going to see is more of the same. From a psychological perspective, its not a very welcoming message. What this male needs to see is something that acknowledges the reality of the problem and encourages him to come in.

      Given that this is a family problem, and given that research is starting to expose the gender bias, wouldn’t it make sense to target both men and women. I’m no professional fundraiser but a campaign entitled “Embracing change: working together to stop the cycle of family violence” might actually resonate wider. If the emerging statistical profile is correct, there’s a lot of men out there who might support a more gender neutral campaign, or a campaign that demonstrates, up front, the reality. I wouldn’t take much. A couple of paragraphs of statistics pointing out the victims and showing what we can do to help stop that violence.

      Doing this would probably encourage more men to come forward. The truth is, we won’t know the reality of family violence until we’ve encouraged everyone to step forward and talk about it, in a non-judgmental and supportive way.

      This is going way beyond this discussion but I also think we shouldn’t be using the term “perpetrator” at all. I’ve counselled a few male perpetrators now and without exception these people are victims first. It’s a cycle. Those who are abused go on to become abusers. A father that beats his child was probably beaten by his parents. So where do you draw the line? Really, we’re all victims at one level or another and I think in all things we do, that has to be brought forward.

      Beyond developing a campaign that addresses the reality and opens the door, rather than shuts it, writing some books on the issue would be good. I’ve going to develop a call for papers and see if I can gather some testimonials from men. I notice in the statistics that when it comes to elder abuse, more men are victims than women. So that totally puts the shoe on the other fit.

      I really appreciate this dialog. There is so much anger out there that we rarely see any kind of constructive communication. It is often just finger pointing, balkanization, and barriers. He did this, she did that, I’m a victim, etc. etc. I think we need to start from the perspective that our society is uber violent. From video games, to Hollywood, to our competitive play (which is all about beating somebody down), to our total disdain for the weak and sensitive (the “strong survive”), this is what we are taught. If we start from there then we can start to rethink our approaches to violence, seeing beyond gender, victimization, and perpetration to the real core of the problem, and the real healing work that has to be done. Until we start seeing each other for what we really are, terribly wounded by the socialization process, we are just going to keep spinning our wheels.

      m

  10. History made! 14/09/2010 over 100 men gathered at the Lagos Travel Inn, to discuss what they can do to end violence against women and girls in Nigeria. This is exciting and I am keen to know the outcome of this summit.

    I just joined WORLDPulse and am thrilled to meet someone show that men’s are working together with women, for a better place in the world for everyone. We must work together 🙂

    There is always anger. We must pose and check the consequences when we thrash out in anger! This will never be constructive. Anger will have to be dealt with.

    It is time to work with a cool mind set and patience as never before. Only constructive dialogue will assist us to resolve major social issues.

    In support, Amei

  11. Anna Brix Thomsen

    Some perspectives with regards to fundraisning and gender issues – I’ve worked as a fundraiser and it was generally known that women were more prone to give to charity – In my experience it has to do with women finding it easier to empathize and become emotional on the behalf of others and generally to feel more guilty than men. A lot of the reasons why people donate to charities is that they feel a redemption from guilt. My strategy in fundraisning was thus to talk to the ‘heart’ of the women and to talk ‘straight’ to men. For the women it was the ‘feeling’ that mattered and for the men it was whether or not the cause made sense to them.

    On positive bias towards women –
    It is my impression that (some) women are using the gender’s historic role as submissive and suppressed as a trump card towards men and in trying to (re)gain personal power, end up trying to be like (how they’ve seen and accepted) men – thus doing exactly the same as have been ‘done to us’ – bullying, dominating, controlling – instead of working towards Equality for All. – Equality is not relevant as a woman-issue, as it is not relevant as an issue within homosexuality – because then it is not about Equality anymore. People abuse each other in different ways, none more acceptable than others. The subject here is Abuse – not gender, because if we make it about gender, we miss the point.

    • Michael Sosteric

      Yes exactly. its not a gender issue at all. More like a human rights issue. I do family and men’s counselling an its surprising how many times I here men being smacked around and abused by women, and how seldom these actually result in charges and statistics. I wouldn’t want to say anything about the prevalence or scope of violence, or what the actual ratios might be, because the statistics are ALL biased at this point, but I do know we are far from getting an accurate picture of the scope of abuse in society.

      The unfortunate thing is, we live in a violent society. Go to any hockey game and you find the spectators actually rewarding the players for violence. Look at how we socialize our boy children and you see we put guns and weapons into their hands at an early age. Or even look at our schools. We literally teach our children to beat each other up and put another person down, pitting them against each other on tests, sporting competition, spelling bees, and the like.

      And then we express surprise years later when we are dealing with the social costs of this twisted socialization.

      we’re all victims here, sadly.

  12. “Thumbs down” to the “thumbs up/down” icons at the bottom of the posts, which perpetuate the pack animal competition we’d all like to see an end to. ….nice that noone uses them.

  13. I agree that the important issue here is abuse, not which sex should be targeted in campaigns, and not the sex of the abusor or which type of abuse is most harmful. Physical abuse can be just as emotionally damaging as emotional abuse; particularly if the abuse occurs over an extended period of time. Physical abuse is no less demeaning or belittling than verbal abuse. It often leads to many deep rooted emotional issues that people struggle with for years. Likewise, emotional abuse can be physically damaging as well by causing depression or other physical ailments. Extreme levels of stress caused by abuse can lead to many physical ailments including nausea, chronic headache, fatigue, lack of appetite, weight loss or gain, etc. There is no “better” form of abuse- each are equally damaging and hurtful. As someone who has grown up physically and emotionally abused by many women and many men, I can say that no combination of abuse and abusor is easier to get over than the other. The sad truth is that violence is a part of human nature. We are taught (directly or indirectly) that violence (physical or emotional) is our best defense mechanism. In a world that depends on survival of the fittest, it is naive to think that violence will dissappear altogether. Men and women simply choose the tool (physical or emotional abuse) that best suits them in order to get what they want. In order to change the DV situation, we must first teach people that there are other tools at their disposal and it is not necessary to resort to violence. The key to ending abuse and domestic violence lies in education. Once people learn that there are easier ways to get what they want other than acting out in violence or verbal abuse, then the need for violence will become obsolete. Such aspirations seem impossible when our own government and politicians are possibly the greatest perpetuators of violence in our society. However, if we educate our children about violence now and make the necessary changes in our schools and communities to promote tolerance of diversity and intolerance of violence, maybe the upcoming generation will impose these ideals onto our government and its leaders. I think that too much focus is being put on gender bias and gender blind spots. DV impacts men, women, children and the elderly. There is no bias there. Everyone is affected, everyone has been abused by someone in some way shape or form at one time or another. It does not matter who is acting out in violence, it seems like pointless ranting and raving to sit around and play the blame game of who is abusing whom and why one is worse than the other. It seems to me that the more practical thing to do is to offer up some solutions to correct this issue and be rid of it rather than sitting around complaining about it.

    • Michael Sosteric

      One of the “solutions” brought up here is to end targeted advertising because it helps perpetrate the illusion that women are merely victims and not aggressors themselves. You speak of education, well in our society advertising is education and the lesson of targeted advertising is that women must stand together to end the cycle of violence perpetrated by men. If you are really interested in educating then we have to stop sending the message that only women are victims.

      I guess the problem we are speaking about here is the general invisibility of violence when it is perpetrated by females. There is a bias in our society here, and even in our own consciousness. We simply don’t see the abuse when it is right in front of us, and we engage in practices that, willingly or no, perpetrate the invisibility.

      This article and discussion is an attempt to educate about these issues. Do we want educating or not? Do we talk about these biases and blind spots, or not. If we don’t talk about them then we fail as educators to educate people, something that you yourself say is the first step towards eliminating the problem.

  14. That was such an amazing article, I have a couple stories to share, about myself and a friend named Thelma. I will post them within the next week whenever I get time. This was an extremely amazing article that basically illustrated whats been going through my head my whole life.

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