Hey, Donald, “Yuh fired!”
Make no mistake about it, Donald Trump loves the limelight. He’s a rich guy who loves to plaster his name on any object that isn’t agile enough to jump out of his way. It’s an ego thing–and it’s also embarrassingly déclassé. As Thorstein Veblen once pointed out, folks who accumulate a lot of money often have an irrepressible penchant to show it off. In Trump’s case, this usually involves purchasing large buildings and then emblazoning those structures with the largest, most garish ‘Trump’ signs that the buildings will support.
Like the pharaohs of old, Trump seems to believe that he who dies with the biggest building will ‘win.’ Good luck with that, Donnie.
Anyway, for narcissists of Trump’s ilk, no amount of public attention is ever too much. In Trump’s warped reality, excess is everything. As a result, Trump is clearly of the mind that that there is no such thing as bad press. Why else would the man appear year-after-year on a pointlessly moronic TV series wherein an endless series of flunkies slavishly queue up to be fired by The Donald? The only thing that ever changes is the width of Donnie’s comb-over.*
Further evidence that Trump will do anything–no matter how lunk-headed–to keep his name in the headlines is The Donald’s latest salvo in the ‘birther conspiracy.’ In spite of the fact that President Obama has willingly produced the most compelling piece of evidence (an official birth certificate: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2011/04/27/president-obamas-long-form-birth-certificate) to demonstrate that he was, indeed, born in the good ole’ USA, Trump has continued to insist that President Obama is, in reality, an alien. As for the birth certificate that Barack Obama and the state of Hawaii have made available for all the world to see, Trump dismisses the document as a fake. Trump contends that anyone who is wealthy and powerful enough to make a serious run for the US presidency commands the necessary wherewithal to falsify official documents.
On that score, I would advise The Donald to exercise special caution when throwing stones from the porch of his great big glass house. If The Donald is going to dispute the authenticity of President Obama’s citizenship documents, then that invites the rest of us to do likewise for The Donald. Don’t ya think?
So, just for laughs, let’s just say that we ask Donald Trump to prove that he is really an American. Without even bothering to examine his ‘official’ birth certificate, I would be inclined to dispute it on his face. Why is Trump’s birth certificate–whether authentic or doctored–any more valid than President Obama’s? As Trump has already been good enough to point out, The Donald is certainly wealthy enough to fabricate an ‘official’ copy of his birth certificate. Therefore, I reject the veracity Trump’s citizenship documents for the very same reason that Trump disputes the authenticity of President Obama’s. How’s them apples, Donnie Boy?
In addition, Donald Trump is not the only person who can cook up a cockamamie conspiracy theory. For example, I could concoct a wacko theory that goes something like this: In spite of what might be printed on his birth certificate, Donald Trump is not really a citizen of the United States–nor even of the planet earth. Instead, I might contend that Donald Trump is an alien from another planet. Even worse, he appears to be an alien that is bent on the conquest of the planet earth.
Sure, Trump makes out like he’s just a run-of-the-mill real estate baron, but, if you look a little closer, it begins to appear as though he is actually grabbing up territory as part of a secret invasion plot by the residents of his home planet, Dorkus Major. For millennia, the denizens of Dorkus Major have been licking their chops at the thought of monopolizing prime real estate on the outer fringes of the Milky Way. It turns out that Trump’s assignment has been to blend in as a noisy, obnoxious Manhattanite (The perfect cover) while buying up strategic pieces of real estate in every major North American city. Once Trump has acquired a sufficient number of properties, the Dorkusians will stage a multi-pronged hostile takeover by launching simultaneous surprise attacks from each of Trump’s properties. Why else emblazon each of the buildings with the word ‘Trump?’ Don’t you see the irony? It’s like the aliens have already announced their intention to conquer the planet. Pitiably, we puny humans have failed to grasp the horrific truth that the Dorkusians have been dangling before our very eyes. The Dorkusians are coming, and Donald Trump is leading the charge!
As evidence for my theory–and for the imminence of the Dorkusian attack–I point to the fact that Donald Trump’s human-like disguise has been rapidly deteriorating of late. Trump’s ever-expanding comb-over was the first clue, but the more compelling evidence is literally written all over Trump’s face.
Don’t tell me that I’m the only one who has noticed the dramatic shift in Trump’s facial complexion. In recent months, Trump has undergone an undeniable transition from a natural human-like skin tone to a deepening shade of Martian orange. Yikes! What else could this mean, but that Trump’s overexposure to an alien planetary environment is gradually toxifying his Dorkusian immune system. It’s like that time that the KGB poisoned the Ukrainian prime minister with dioxin. Isn’t it obvious?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a racist. The United States is a nation of immigrants, and no one is more proud than I am of our nation’s rich heritage of ethnic and racial diversity. But, for heaven’s sake, we’ve got to draw the line somewhere, don’t we? I am more than happy to embrace my fellow American brethren from Asia, Africa, Central and South America, Pacifica, Europe, etc.. But ask me to include orange-skinned alien invaders from the planet Dorkus Major in the all-American group hug and I will flatly refuse. Not now, nor will I ever accept the idea that planet-snatching Dorkusians should enjoy equal protection under the law. I don’t care how you interpret the Constitution, it just ain’t right.
Therefore, because of the compelling and overwhelming evidence that lies before our very eyes, I believe that we must call for the immediate revocation of Donald the Dorkusian’s (aka, The Donald’s) US citizenship. Furthermore, we must not allow The Donald to purchase any more prime real estate, no matter how tempting his offers may be. It is only by revoking The Donald’s citizenship and preventing his acquisition of any additional “Trump Towers” that we will be able to prevent the Dorkusian conquest of our planet. There is not a moment to lose. We must act now, or we will forever regret our hesitation.
Down with the Dorkusians, and their evil, orange-skinned real estate-grubbing lackey!
Long live America! The land of the brave, and home of red-blooded, earth-dwelling patriots!