How to Write Badly

I will not submit to EPMO

1. Start with a simple statement: We quit because nobody knew how to program the computer.

2. Put it in the passive voice, to dilute the responsibility: It was decided to quit.

3. Expand with terminology that does not add meaning: It was decided to terminate.

4. Build in noun strings: It was decided to terminate project processes.

5. Add a qualifier of uncertain relation to the original statement: On account of the status of the computer, it was decided to terminate project processes.

6. Add noun strings and terminology to the qualifier: On account of the status of the computer program assessment planning development effort, it was decided to terminate project processes.

7. Separate related words: On account of the status of the computer program assessment planning development effort, it was decided to terminate until a later date project processes.

8. Equivocate: On account of the uncertain status of the computer program assessment planning development effort, it was proposed and tentatively adopted to suspend temporarily until a later date project processes.

9. Obfuscate: Due to uncertainties in the status of the computer program assessment planning development effort, proposals were carefully considered and tentatively adopted to suspend temporarily until a later date project processes.

10. Cover your tracks to make yourself look good: Due to unavoidable uncertainties in the status of the computer program assessment planning development effort, a number of contingency proposals were carefully considered and one was tentatively adopted to suspend on a temporary basis until a later date those project processes deemed unessential to the expeditious fulfillment of contract requirements.

© 1981 by Gerald Grow. Reprinted with permission. http://www.longleaf.net/ggrow