The emotional abuse of our children: Teachers, schools, and the sanctioned violence of our modern institutions.
Dr. Michael Sosteric | Mar 02, 2012 | Comments 24
You never stop to think that sending your kids to school can be a problem, but it can be. From the residential schools of First Nations infamy to the violence of straps and the horror of school yard bullying, schools are not always safe places. The truth is, children can experience physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse at the hands of students, teachers, priests. ministers, reverends, etc.. The research demonstrates that abuse of all forms undermines self esteem, lowers social productivity, causes depression, and contributes to long term social problems. Isn’t it time we recognized the horror and stopped hurting our children?
I want to start this article by doing a little thought experiment. Imagine for a moment that you are in a group of twenty people. In that twenty people there is a defined leader and that leader is responsible for motivating you teaching, you, and otherwise organizing group activities. Things are going along OK but then at some point the group leader decides that they aren’t happy with the activities of the group. Some of you are going to the bathroom too much, some of you are too easily distracted, and others are simply not following the rules. You, in particular, are a problem for the group leader and so in an attempt to control your behavior and enforce “the rules,” the group leader singles you out and forces you to sit in the middle of the group on the floor for a week.
The group leader says it is for your own good and that it will teach you life skills, but for you it is an emotional horror show. I mean, can you imagine the emotions that you’d feel? Singled out in a group of twenty, publicly labelled as a loser too stupid to follow the rules, the subject of derisive and degrading attention, isolated, even terrorized by the psychological horror, you’d be traumatized for a long period of time. And this would be true even if the group you were in was relatively supportive. Even if they downplayed the social isolation and public shaming, you’d still feel it at a deep level. We are social beings after all and as the great Robert Merton said, we get our self image in part by the way others see us. And if we think others are seeing us as some stupid loser (which is actually the intent of socially isolating someone in this fashion) then that is how we are going to see ourselves. And that can’t help but have a negative, disturbing, impact on us.
Of course the sad thing is, it is a lot worse than just your own personal feelings about it. The reality is most groups would not be supportive. A lot of psychological research in the sixties (look up Zimbardo’s prison experiments) show very clearly just how ugly it can get for people who are publicly separated and isolated. People, even close friends and family, turn on you when an authority figure labels, isolates, and rejects. There can be a snow ball effect. First you sit in the middle of the room and feel bad. Then the people around you start to treat you differently. They laugh and point fingers and find other ways to isolate and exclude you. They avoid you at coffee break, talk behind your back, titter and laugh and generally extend the boundaries created by the visual isolation. Pretty soon you become a bonafied social pariah, avoided by all and excluded by many. Of course from a social control perspective the whole things works very well because having experienced that kind of trauma once, you’ll never want to go through it again, and so for sure you’ll jump into line and tap along with the tune provided. But of course once you’ve been labelled and humiliated, the emotional damage is done.
Talking about it now you can see, it just can’t be a good thing and as an adult experiencing something like that you’d probably (hopefully) recognize the abuse for what it was and leave the group. I’d certainly encourage it. Research (see below) shows that people who experience emotional abuse have problems with anger, attachment, bonding, emotional responsiveness, have problems applying even basic social skills. How damaging would that kind of public isolation and rejection be for you if you actually put up with it? So if you’re experiencing something like that, get up and walk away.
Now of course, saying it like this makes a solution to the problem seem relatively easy, just get up and walk away. But now imagine that the team leader has authority over you. Imagine that your group leader actually had the power to confine you to that “box” in front of twenty of your friends and colleagues. It would be bad enough to begin with, but it would be even worse under conditions of force and duress. Not only could you not get up and leave no matter how you were feeling, but all the negative emotions would be amplified to that point that even a tough, independent, adult might succumb to the damaging effects of the abuse. It is not even too much to say that a sensitive adult may experience post-traumatic stress. After all, being shamed in a public space is a traumatic event by any standards.
So, if you are following along with me now you are probably thinking that this form of bald faced abuse of power and authority is something that we, as a civilized modern society, should be able to do without. There’s lots of way to motivate people without resorting to either physical or emotional abuse. In fact, as anybody with a clue will tell you, physical and emotional abuse are horrible motivators leading to far more problems than they solve. So imagine now that we take this box thing and do it to children in school. Imagine you have a twelve year old daughter and imagine the teacher has threatened that child that if they don’t behave and live up to expectations, they are going to have to sit on the floor for a week. You remember what school is like, and how horrible children can be to each other. I imagine that a psychologically and emotionally defenseless child would be TERRORIZED by even the thought of that sort of public display and humiliation. You can imagine the damage done should the child actually be forced, by the teacher, to submit to the public humiliation. Self esteem would take a hit, their social network would probably crumble, and the effects would no doubt trickle out into the schoolyard in ways to innumerable to enumerate in this short article. Schools have a hard enough time dealing with bullying to begin with without teachers painting a target on a child’s back in this fashion.
[amazon_enhanced asin="0787943630" container="div" container_class="bookbox" price="All" background_color="FFFFFF" link_color="000000" text_color="0000FF" /]Now I know what you are saying, no school would ever do something like this. I mean, we now know that emotional abuse is bad, and we know that isolation, rejection, and public shaming is emotionally abusive, and we would never allow our teachers to engage in it. Shockingly however, emotional abuse is a problem in school. As a parent I have had to go to bat for my kids several times. For example, my son’s teacher put his name on a board and publicly humiliated him for not doing his work properly. When I told her that her public humiliation was making him feel bad, all she could say was that if he wanted to avoid the bad feelings, he’d have to perform to her expectations. I was shocked that she seemed so unconcerned about his feelings, and when I pointed this out to the principle, and when I said that as an adult post-secondary teacher it was against the law for me to even post student numbers in a public space because I was not allowed to violate their right to privacy and safety (in Alberta FOIP laws protect adults from this sort of public exposure, so why not children??), he said that the classroom was hardly a public space. Of course, it is a public space. Not only does everybody in the school get to see how my son is doing, but parents of the kids that go to the school can have a look as well, so I don’t know where he got his “not a public space” comment, ’cause clearly it is. And that’s not even the worst of it you know. Last week my daughter came home and said that her teacher told her that if she didn’t perform as expected, she might lose her desk “privileges” and have to sit on the floor for a week.
I’m not kidding.
If my twelve year old daughter can’t “make the rent” in her classroom, her teacher is going to identify, isolate, ridicule, and publicly humiliate her by taking away her desk and forcing her to sit on the floor in the midst of thirty of her school age peers. And while her teacher says that it probably won’t be a problem for my daughter, I am horrified nonetheless that even the threat has been issued. I mean, this same teacher, and this school principle, would never ever in a million years think they could pull a stunt like this with adults (can you imagine how upset the teaching staff of the school would be if I put their names and pictures here, put them in a box in public, and held them up for public shaming and ridicule? Furious they’ll be. I’m sure it will be bad enough that I’ve just pointed at them in this fashion), so why are the feelings of our children so irrelevant that they do not even register on their radar? Frankly I feel sorry for the three kids she’s done it to in the past. I mean, I’ve read the research, I am counselor by trade, I am aware of how profoundly damaging something like this can be, and frankly I am shocked that professional teachers seem unaware of basic psychological research. I hate being such a boisterous critic but this is important. The research shows this kind of thing undermines creativity, damages productivity, and causes social problems. As a society we’re always looking for ways to save money so if these practices undermine our global competitiveness and cost us in terms of damaged creativity, lower productivity, and the cash dollars it takes to deal with social problems, then on those grounds alone we should be up in arms over this kind of nonsense. If you ask me though, protecting our kids from emotional harm is reason enough.
Bottom line?
If our education system is turning out teachers and administrators who don’t think twice about emotionally abusing our children, and if as parents we can’t see that abuse, and don’t stand up to stop it, then we as a society, got a problem.
Sources and References
Brendgen, Mara, Wanner, Brigitte, & Vitaro, Frank (2006). Verbal Abuse by the Teacher and Child Adjustment from Kindergarten Through Grad e6. Pediatrics, 117: 5.
Hyman, Irwin & Snook, Pamela (1999). [amazon_link id="0787943630" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Dangerous Schools. What we can do about the physical and emotional abuse of our children[/amazon_link].
Krugmen, Richard D. & Krugman, Mary K (1984). Emotional Abuse in the Classroom: The Pediatrician’s Role in Diagnosis and Treatment. Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine. 128: 284-286.
Moeller, James R. (2002). The Combined Effects of Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Abuse During Childhood: Long-term Health Consequences for Women. Child Abuse and Neglect, 17(5): 623-40.
- http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/emotional-abuse-the-most-common-form-of-abuse
- http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/emotional-abuse.html
- Zimbardo Documentary
Filed Under: Classroom Controversy • Featured Articles • in-rss-feed • K12 Education • Lead • Pedagogy • Social Psychology
About the Author: I'm a sociologist at Athabasca University where I coordinate,amongst other things, the introductory sociology courses (Sociology I and Sociology II). FYI I did my dissertation in the political economy of scholarly communication (you can read it if you want). It's not that bad. My current interests lie in the area of scholarly communication and pedagogy, the sociology of spirituality and religion, consciousness research, entheogens, inequality and stratification, and the revolutionary potential of authentic spirituality. The Socjourn is my pet project. It started as the Electronic Journal of Sociology but after watching our social elites systematically dismantle the potential of eJournals to alter the politics and economies of scholarly communication, I decided I'd try something a little different. That something is The Socjourn, a initiative that bends the rules of scholarly communication and pedagogy by disregarding academic ego and smashing down the walls that divide our little Ivory Tower world from the rest of humanity. If you are a sociologist or a sociology student and you have a burning desire to engage in a little institutional demolition by perhaps writing for the Socjourn, contact me. If you are a graduate student and you have some ideas that you think I might find interesting, contact me. I supervise graduate students through Athabasca Universities MAIS program.
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“f my twelve year old daughter can’t “make the rent” in her classroom, her teacher is going to identify, isolate, ridicule, and publicly humiliate her by taking away her desk and forcing her to sit on the floor in the midst of thirty of her school age peers”
Indeed, step out of line little girl and you will face the dire consequences of exclusion, isolation, public humiliation…what else? Our eductation system trains our children well for their future as submissive adults. It’s like a subliminal mental coercion to obey at all costs or else indoctrinated at an early age.
Great article. I really appreciate the soc journal there is a lot of interesting articles on here that make me think and have opened my eyes.
It is good you stand up for your kids like that but you must get so frustrated and want to pull them out. The teachers probably look at you as being the crazy one. It’s so obvious to me now how much abuse we get subjected to at home, at schools etc, everywhere we should be protected.
The singled out kids are treated differently, I remember one boy when I was 6 or 7 maybe, who always got in trouble. When he swore, the teacher would disrupt the class, take him into another room and wash his mouth out with soap. He would cry. Everyone looked at him to be a trouble maker and I know everyone had an opinion of him without really knowing him. I am pretty sure we probably laughed about it sometimes. No one would have thought about the impact this kind of treatment would have had on him.
I was a ‘good’ kid, but I even look at how teachers treated me which would have made other kids feel bad. Sometimes a teacher would require two students to go to every classroom in the school to get a card signed by all the teachers, I got to do this a lot because I was a favourite. This would have even made other kids feel bad, or jealous, or even have negative thoughts about me. This kind of activity should have been rotated around the whole class.
But then the children abuse each other. You are singled out if you perform well, singled out if you perform bad, teased if you don’t look a certain way, teased if you don’t do certain things. Kids want to fit in so you want the ‘cool clothes’, the expensive name brands. You might start smoking in the toilets, or one stupid things kids used to do at my primary school is get a wad of toilet paper, wet it and throw it up on the ceiling where it stuck. I got teased for being flat chested, and for having big eyes. I used to hate public speaking aswell, doing book reviews when you are about 10, having to stand in the middle of the class terrified me.
Then in high school I got teased for apparently having a big fore head. Not by many, only a couple who were supposedly ‘friends’ but you never want to feel different when you are school. Then you have your cliques, the nerdy groups, the popular groups. I was an in betweener, I spoke to everyone I didn’t care if they were nerdy or popular. None of that crap matters once you leave school, except the damage it causes to the individual in how they view themselves.
Hi Kristy, that crap does matter when you leave school. It is what you have learned in school about hierarchy, exclusion, the formation of groups, differential rewarding (i.e. only the “winners” get trophies) that forms the basis of The System. I had a talk with a vice-principle a couple years ago about this and I’ll write an article soon about it.
If schools reflect society in a micro level it may be “normal“ to see the kinds of realtionships that we see in society right there in the classrooms. Be that as it may, schools use a well known system of prize and “some kind of punishment“ for the ones who discard rules or are not able to follow them or are bad at some way. Inequality is the problem we come across at schools and it is something that is not adjusted with democratic values, ideals of free society, society of free individuals where children have the right to be free and sponetaneous as much as the grown-ups allow. Fortunatelly, children always try to push the limits but , on the other hand the grown-ups must give their best to provide them opportunities to express themselves and their, somewhat juvenile ideas and needs. This hostile enviroment that is latent in schools manifets itself in some ways that are described in this post. But what I think is more important is to see whether the school and the education system achieves socialization even with these kinds of negative phenomena, that are indeed real manace and trouble for the young. Namely, children can behave very cruelly and some teacher can perform inadequatelly or even negligent, or worse, but let us not forget that every school is a “society’s nursery “and the group life and coexistency we have there mostly mimic “real“ life relations. School is not the perfect place to send our kids but the best we have in a sense that it provides the variety of actions, relationships, happennings and experiences that would otherwise stay unavalibale to the young. It is a harsh world we live in and concerning this fact, schools are doing very well, in my opinion. Of course, emotional abuse and any kind of suffering that can be felt by the young should be dispelled out of schools. The word `school` come from the Greek language and it means leisure or free time, it is the time when we choose what to do not being tied up with obligations and systematic pressure. Maybe the problems lies in bureaucratization of scholls and industrial-like principle that seeks products and production process, in this case knowledge and people. People are just factionally and i some respect susceptive to these kinds of influences, and up to a point. This crisis is surelly the crisis of identity amonst teachers and pupils , as well, but nobody must not ruin anybody’s life for mere trivial reasons or caprice. Let us ask, what is the power the grow-ups have regarding the youngs, and what kind of division is that. School as an institution has its dark sides, just as any other factor of socialization, it is all left on behavlf of individuals who behave in a proper manner and reasonably and the vice versa.
Reading for a literature review in my sociology course. ]:3
hi dr. sosteric!! how about this. emotional abuse against a studdent who is forced to stand up in a high school math class, and told that he is stupid. or a college professor telling me to shut up because I talk to much. High school in michigan, is like being in prison. how about sitting in the principles office all day, for no reason at all. you pile up alot of these and you have an emotionally abused child. sometimes you can be isolated, even though you are part of the group.
great article. Robert
Yes, that is absolutely correct. Robert, we all very sensitive beings, living in a very sensitive body, and that body (while quite resilient), is nevertheless very easy to damage. Even ugly words undermine its integrity. Hurt the body a little and it activates defense mechanisms to protect itself. Hurt it enough and the defense mechanisms are undermined, and real damage occurs. you can ALWAYS heal the damage, especially if you know what you are doing, but it takes some time. The biggest obstacle to healing is often simply trust. Take your typical abused child, who are they ever going to trust? Their parents failed them, their teachers failed them, the psychologists and other professionals failed them, and now they don’t trust anybody. I can understand why. They don’t want to open themselves up to more hurt, they don’t trust that “professionals” have anything useful to say to them, and they are most often right. But at the same time, if they cross paths with an authentic healer (and not juts one of the millions of charlatans out there) who has a clue, then there is a danger they’ll skip right on by. Any authentic healer knows, the first thing you have to do is establish trust.
p.s., what do you think of this song by Taylor Swift. It is called mean and it is about abuse. it is such an amazing song.
Are any of you teachers? Have any of you gone through teacher training in this country? Just curious as to what an educator’s perspective would be…
I have taught young undergraduate students, and you can see the emotional peril on their faces when they start universities. At Wayne State University, a lot of time is taken up trying to make the student comfortable, with an initial university experience. I might be wrong but maybe #3 should read Erving Goffman’s books “Presentation and self in every day Life”, and maybe “Stigma” Maybe Dr. Sosteric (a Great professor) could help me with number #3. As far as teacher training, everyone goes through it, when you step into that classroom for the first, second, third time. Robert
I’m reading this article for my sociology class, and I just want to say that I don’t agree with it at all. Sure, isolation can be emotionally abusive, but only to a certain point. The idea that it’s humiliating to have your name written on the board for failing to complete your homework is a bit ridiculous. I mean, c’mon. When I was in second grade, my teacher did the same thing, but nobody in my class felt humiliated about it. For one, no one really laughed at or pointed fingers at someone whose name was on the board, and even if they did, it was nothing to be ashamed about. I had my name on the board at one point, but in no way did I feel embarrassed.
Also, did you ever stop to think that teachers only tell students they’ll lose their desk privileges in attempt to motivate them to do well? It’s better to threaten someone so they perform well rather than to baby someone and have them continue to do poorly.
I’m sorry, but people who feel humiliated and emotionally abused from such minor incidents such as the ones stated above need to toughen up.
Gregory, how the hell do you know that “nobody felt humiliated by it.” How the heck can you speak for everyone in your second grade class? Better yet, how dare you speak for all the children in your school in this fashion. How do you know what your classmates might have felt? I certainly know you’re not speaking for my kids because they have felt humiliated and hurt by these sorts of practices. It hurt their feelings and unless I want to be insensitive and uncaring towards their feelings, ignoring them or telling them to “toughen up and not have feelings,” then that’s enough to stop it. Its just like hitting somebody else. It hurts, it should stop. Just because its “emotional” doesn’t mean its any less hurtful. In fact, quite the opposite. Emotional neglect and emotional abuse is far more damaging that physical abuse. The consequences linger on for decades.
As for losing their desk privileges, that’s just barbaric. You would never do that to an employee, or a colleague, or anybody else, and if you did you’d be charged. Fear of abuse is not an acceptable motivator and if you think it is, then as a therapist my questions go immediately to your family of origin and I wonder what sorts of emotional and physical abuse you have experience, and how it has been normalized in your life. Its is simply not better to threaten people to perform. That’s abuse, abuse, abuse. Hitting someone, hurting them, hitting them, calling them names, or publicly shamming them to get them to perform is abuse, abuse, abuse.
You know, when I did my undergraduate degree two decades ago university professors could not put names on boards in this fashion. Marks used to be available on doors (back before computers) but names could never be put up. Why? because people found it offensive, unnecessary, embarrassing, and invasion of privacy, and unnecessary. Nowadays when it comes to adults, its even enshrined in law. In Alberta where I teach FOIP laws make it illegal to share private information about people in public spaces? Why? Because it is offensive, unnecessary, embarrassing, and an invasion of privacy. Professors can get into real trouble for doing the sorts of things that you are suggesting as a matter of course.
So my question to you Gregory is, if we can’t do stuff like this to adults, who are presumably more emotionally mature than children, why do we think its OK to abuse our children in this fashion? What makes you think its cool to tell a six year old child being emotionally abused by their teachers or parents to “toughen up.” Why is OK to threaten innocent and defenseless children with horrible exclusionary practices like losing their desk? If you did that to an adult, you’d be sued. But if you do it to children, who are weaker, who have no legal recourse, who haven’t got the power to speak out, and who are in sensitive periods of development, it is worthy of a medal.
Are you serious?
I’m sorry, but people like you need to take a good hard look at yourselves and why you feel its OK to engage in emotional bullying of little children. The last thing our children need to hear is to “toughen up” and to stop feeling. I don’t care if you’re male or female, your feelings count and if somebody is hurting them, you have to make them stop. And if you ask them to stop and they tell you to “toughen up,” “man up” or in any way encourage you to put up with the abuse, then that person is probably a bully finding excuses to blame the victim (oh you’re so weak you can’t handle a little punch here and there) in an attempt to make themselves feel good about their bullying practices. But call a rose a rose, and a bully a bully.
What do you think Gregory? Are you an emotional bully and is this just you justifying your emotionally violent and abusive behaviour so you can feel good about all the defenseless children you hurt?
I recommend you do some additional reading Gregory. You might want to start with this HALT website. Also you might like the song MEAN by Taylor Swift.
“All you are is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and mean, mean, mean…. Why you gotta be so mean? Taylor Swift.
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When I was in Graduate school, if I did not complete a seminar requirement, the professor sometimes uses humiliation as a way to embarrass the student into doing the work. Emotional isolation from these incidents, causes problems, that awakens the person to the isolation found in prior events. As an instructor, I never let my students become isolated from one another. Dr. Sosteric a kind and caring instructor, never would do that either. Wake up greg, your past experiences will direct your feelings and behavior in graduate school, when your work is trashed, and you feel two feet tall. So Gregg will ask himself, where did that come from? Toughen up is like the ignorant in psychiatry saying snap out of it. If I had Gregg as a student, a little compassion would replace the deniability he feels. Robert
For one, don’t be so quick to judge my upbringing. I have a great relationship with my family, and NEVER was I abused by my parents while growing up. And secondly, to answer your question, I’m far from an emotional bully trying to justify my actions. I don’t even work with children. I’m just an undergraduate student fresh out of high school.
As I already said, I understand and agree that humiliation can lead to isolation and result in negative consequences, but I disagree that such minor practices cause emotional damage. Do you remember the red light, yellow light, green light discipline in grade school? If you behaved badly, your name was moved from green to yellow. It’s purpose is not meant to scar you. It’s meant to warn you to behave, so why should you feel humiliated when you’re name is isolated? There’s no reason to. Only once was my name moved to yellow, and my reaction was “Oh crap, if I keep behaving badly I’m going to end on red light and get sent to the principal.” I didn’t feel humiliated, bullied, or scarred. This is the same as with having your name on the board. It’s a form of discipline that works, and it’s not harsh.
I’m not saying you directly tell the kids to “toughen up” if they feel humiliated. All it takes is, “Hey, it’s nothing to feel bad about. These things happen, nobody’s perfect.” On the contrary though, I know I’m not alone in saying that it’s nothing to feel embarrassed. I conducted a small poll in my group (9 people) as part of my project. 8 of 9 said they did not feel humiliated by such forms of discipline, and everyone agreed that the consequences didn’t leave a long lasting scar.
I am a compassionate person, and I am not in denial as Robert says. My opinion on where to draw the line between what qualifies as emotional bullying/abuse is just different than yours, plain and simple.
if you don’t work with kids Gregory, and I’m guessing you don’t even have kids of your own, then what makes you think that you have anything to say about their emotional or developmental needs? And a poll of young adults, or adolescents, asking them about the emotional trauma in grade two, isn’t exactly a reliable measure. If you are serious about this question, what you need to do is ask a seven year old how they feel in the moment, not years later when they’ve been told, directly or not, that their feelings are not legitimate and they should toughen up. When I asked my seven year old how he felt, he said he felt uncomfortable and ashamed. When I asked my daughter about losing her desk, even the thought of it frightened her.
So ya, our opinion about where to draw the lines differs. But what is your opinion based on Gregory? You don’t work with children, but I do. You don’t have children (I assume, because if you did you’d be much less likely to be taking your position), but I do. In fact, you’ve probably never research the impact of the things you’re talking about here, but I have. And FYI, the school agrees with me on this one. It didn’t take them more than on hour to pull their ridiculous program of public shaming after I said, stop it or my kids aren’t going to your school. I had a talk with the principle of the school who admitted it was emotional abuse. He even admitted that my public shaming of his teacher made him and his school look heavy handed. I mean, the first version of this article pointed a disapproving public finger at the school, the principle, and the teacher. It made the principle and the teacher feel embarrassed and uncomfortable (and maybe even a little shame) and so, honoring their feelings, I removed the identifying marks because it clearly made them uncomfortable. Huh?! Look at that Gregory, the adult comes to me and says “Michael, please don’t publicly evaluate us like this because it makes us feel bad” and I say, of course Mr. Principle, let me remove the identifying marks because I don’t want you to feel bad. You on the other hand still think it is OK to publicly shame a child, even though I’m sure you’d admit the child is much less likely to speak out, and much more likely to just bend over and accept whatever the “trusted adults” choose to do to them. Uck. But just because the child is less likely to speak out doesn’t mean the child isn’t feeling bad, just like the principle and the teacher. Only difference, we’re much more likely to listen to an adult when they ask us things and much more likely do disregard our children when they say something. Its easy to dismiss the child who says “that makes me feel bad.” If a total stranger says it though, well then we listen. Twisted.
In any case, and frankly, Gregory, you don’t know what you’re talking about here. You’re obviously insensitive to the developmental needs of children. You think you can comment on their psychological or emotional needs, but that is pure hubris on your part. You have no qualifications as far as I can tell, or even basic sensitivity to the needs of children. I mean, how old are you Gregory? Twenty? You say you’re not damage by your process at school, but I think you are. Had you not been subjected to shaming practices, had you not got the message to “toughen up,” maybe you wouldn’t have cut off your emotional responses like you did, and maybe you’d still have the ability to empathize and understand children. You are good example of what schools do to people. They make them insensitive, cut off their ability for empathy, and encourage them to misunderstand, disregard, and devalue the emotions around them.
My son said it hurt his feelings. My daughter was terrified at even the thought. What would you have me do Gregory? Tell them their feelings are “wrong,” or that they shouldn’t have them, or that they should change those feelings into something different? Would you have me threaten them with public shaming, or mete out some physical abuse on them for not “being tough” in the way that you think they should. Forget you Gregory. My children’s feelings are relevant and important and I won’t let teachers, schools, or anybody else for that matter, hurt them in any way. I’m sorry your parents didn’t defend you, but that’s no excuse to allow it to happen to others.
The bottom line, the school practices make them feel bad about themselves. What else is there to say except, that’s not right, let’s fix it. Schools and teachers have a responsibility. Children learn what they model. If their teachers don’t care about how they feel, if the teacher model public shaming, students will pick it up. Why do you think children bully Gregory? It is because there parents and teachers have taught them, through word and deed, that’s it OK to hurt another person. Gregory, it’s never OK to hurt another person. If you do, you need to stop and if you don’t, even after you’re asked, you’re a bully. That’s what bully’s do, they hurt others even after they’ve been asked to stop, and they come with excuses to blame the victim like its there fault for the abuse.
Kudos to my daughter’s school for admitting they were wrong and stopping the abuse.
Shame on you Gregory for drawing a line that allows it to continue.
I just got served. But can you PLEASE stop bringing my parents into this, because FYI I just asked them about what they thought about these public isolation methods and they both agreed with you. They think these practices in schools are humiliating and, above all, completely unnecessary. The only reason they never defended me is because I was never embarrassed by these public humiliation methods and thus never had to go to them for help. I admit, I’m being intolerant and only basing my opinions on my personal experiences/feelings as a child. But can you accept the fact that some people (such as myself) are simply less emotional than others? This doesn’t always have to be the result of schools’ poor disciplinary measures like you keep assuming in my case. I’m just not as sensitive as some people and never felt emotionally abused the few times I was isolated in grade school. However, that doesn’t mean I’m “damaged”, nor does it make me any less compassionate, for I am a humanitarian and I truly enjoy making people happy.
I’m 19 years old, so no I don’t have kids. Like I said, I was only basing my thoughts on their development from my personal experience as a child, which wasn’t painful for me. I’ve never had to experience a child coming home to me emotionally hurt because of a practice that could’ve been avoided, but I imagine I would feel the same way as you.
Again, I admit I was wrong. I guess toughness isn’t the issue, but the fact that everyone reacts differently to isolation, and that needs to be respected. I was being ignorant of others and not thinking outside my own head. Why should the whole class have to know when a student has failed to complete his or her homework? As you and my parents have stated, it is really unnecessary. That issue could just as easily be handled privately, and no one would have to face humiliation, whether it hurts you or not.
Sorry for the hassle.
Thanks Doc.
Gregg. Relax and take it easy. You are just like many undergraduates who bring their frailties to the door step of the university. Why use self justification as a way of denying what you really are. A troubled undergraduate who does not understand that you will learn to sift out all that hatred and frustration. In my classes, students are allowed to deal with inequities of their upbringings, by diving into the vast field of sociology. If Dr. Sosteric is your instructor, pay very close attention to what he does. Take the blindfold off and live your life, because you will be changed by the experiences of a new realm. Robert
Hi Gregory. No hassle. This is what university/teaching is about. If I thought this was a hassle, I probably would have picked a different career.
Anyway, I get that you are basing your opinion on your personal experience, but even that’s not good enough. We’re talking about emotions here, and feelings, and oppression, and bullying (by teachers), and abuse and the thing is, as a male, your socialization desensitizes you to this kind of thing. At birth you are given a blue blanket and subsequent to that you get the message that boys are different than girls. Boys are tougher, less emotional, less sensitive, and so on. And it’s not just words, you (well maybe not you, but boys) get punished for having emotions. I see it all the time, from the daddy who tells his little boy to “soldier up” when what he really needs is some kindness and a hug, to the wife who says she wants a sensitive male but then gets all crazy and abusive when the male actually dares to speak a feeling, boys are punished for showing emotions (which are deeply associated with “weakness” in our culture, for some reason). Heck, I was socialized male and I still remember all the shit and abuse I got whenever I crossed gender based emotional boundaries. So I don’t know? Is it that you are just tougher than others, that you can handle ridicule and public shaming, or is it that as a male your natural emotional sensitivity has been suppressed and repressed? It is a fair question. Boy and girl babies don’t display much difference when it comes to their sensitivity to pain (they are all pretty darn sensitive), and I know my own male child is extremely sensitive and easy to hurt, and my big alpha male rottweiler is the biggest suck of them all. He just wants to be touched all the time. So I don’t know? Are you just “tougher” or are you the same as all the other young adult males out there, cut off from their emotions, and forced to scrunch up their sensitivity to avoid the abuse that comes when you violate gender-based emotional expectations.
I can’t answer that question for you. It could be either. You’re young though so I suspect you’ve never considered this kind of thing before. But you should, especially if you’re a sociology student ya? It might be OK for a psychologist, or a physicist, or somebody else in one of the lesser sciences to miss the significance of gender, or to use their own life as unexamined evidence for things, but sociologists need to hold themselves to higher standards of sophistication, IMHO. It is the only way we’ll ever hope to truly understand this thing we call society.
Nice chatting with ya!
My 15 year old son has demonstrated some pretty severe behavoral changes this school year, most significantly in his extreme reactions to doing homework. This is a child who loves to learn, and even loves to teach. He went from being team captain of the science bowl for the region, to failing biology, refusing to do assignments, and sleeping in class.
This is the only class he has his kind of trouble in.
It’s not possible that this is the due to something like lack of sleep or drugs. On the other hand I get the distinct feeling that the teacher is single ing him out. She has a very frantic type of personality, which is already hard on my son, who has aspergers. But to make matters worse she holds him accountable for things over which he doesn’t have control. In a meeting just the other day he said he is sleeping and it upsets her because she sees it as a behavior problem. ( I see it as his reaction to her but I didn’t say that to her.) I told her that he responds better to a gentle, tender, nurturing type of teacher. She was very mad at our meeting, and I believe she took it out on him that day, including forcing him to stand during class for falling asleep, holding him accountable for an optional assignment that she did not give him time to complete, and generally having a harrassing attitude towards him.
Fortunately I have irrefutable record of the details of our conversation, so now that she retaliated against my son, I have evidence.
I’m not sure about her to go from here but I know I have to protect my kiddo, and get her away from the others.
Any help would be appreciated… Wish me luck!
She was very mad at our meeting, and I believe she took it out on him that day, including forcing him to stand during class for falling asleep, holding him accountable for an optional assignment that she did not give him time to complete, and generally having a harrassing attitude towards him.
If i were you I’d be screaming blue murder at this point. I’d insist that he be removed from her class and I’d also be threatening legal action. What she is doing is emotionally abusive and if you don’t stop her from doing it, the effect on him will only get worse. You got to do something.
Go straight to the principle of the school with this. and see what that does.
It would be interesting to see how this abuse varies by class, race/ethnicity, gender, local culture, etc. My experience in a middle/upper-middle class suburb of a major, Midwestern, American city is drastically different than the one my children are having in a rural, lower-SES southern town. The same goes in comparing their experience with same-aged cousins back near by hometown today. Just as parenting styles vary by social class, which by some scholars have been explained by parents’ occupation and children’s expected occupational outcomes, this is perhaps just another way of preparing young people for the class-based realities, occupation and otherwise, of adulthood.
Beth A comparative study would be an excellent idea. The commentaries on this article are excellent. Robert
Thank you for posting this. I had recently come to the realization that most of my life I’ve tried to avoid making mistakes or being punished, because of the emotional abuse I faced at school. I realized I had become a bully because I never felt validated in school.
I have Autism and sound sensitivity. My sound sensitivity was always dismissed as a phobia, I’m 30 so this was awhile before the awareness of Autism today. I kept trying to punish people for not obeying rules, not in real life, but on Tumblr.
I really have learned so much about myself, and how I react to the idea of punishment, because in 3rd grade I was held after school. My teachers ignored me crying till my face was red, emotionally manipulated me saying I couldn’t go home. I associated that event, as well as other situations with being held against my will. I even had a teacher who found me asleep after school, I was lucky he found me or I’d have been trapped at the school for the night.
Things were so upsetting to me, I can relate my fear to that of someone being trapped in a horror film. No one should have such a troubling childhood, they feel only horror film writers and directors understand them. I mean, my parents understood, and like you they went to bat for me. The stories my mom could tell you about the I.E.P meetings.
I realized I probably never allowed myself to admit how bad things were because I have a otherwise good life. I own several game systems for example, so I felt I can’t complain when I have things this good. It’s become apparent how destroyed I was by the experiences I had in public school.
I hope this article can help others realize just how damaging the experiences you mentioned really are to school children. You would have thought Columbine would have been a wake-up call to the idea something was seriously wrong with how kids were beng treated in school.
So helpful! My 10-year-old daughter was singled out and kicked out of ballet class last week because she didn’t understand a particular dance move. In front of the class, the teacher asked if she practiced over the weekend (which was Thanksgiving Holiday.) My daughter told the truth and said no. The teacher said “leave.” There were no other adults in the building so my daughter was unclear on where to go – or for how long. She didn’t know if she was kicked out of the class forever – or what it meant. Who was supervising her during this time? Fortunately, she had her cell phone and called me. She will never go back to the class again. Unbelievable.
Ya adults often take their own shit out on defenseless children. We all make mistakes, but people should be accountable.